Confessions
by stelena1981
Summary: Fic takes place the day after 4x3 ends had it not ended with Elena nearly killing Matt and Damon offering to tutor her in the ways of vampirism. They love the hell out of each other. They just need to remember to talk.


"I need you to talk to me."

Not long after Stefan and Elena regained their breath after their uninterrupted (thank God!) sexual marathon, their bodies still intertwined and mouths still sloppily kissing seemingly about to begin again, Elena took a deep breath, pulled herself away, rose from their bed, put on his discarded shirt and sat in the desk chair facing him.

Stefan, clearly still winded and not at his sharpest mentally what with his mind having just been blown by his antics with Elena, slid up on the headboard to face her with a confused look.

"Talk about what," he asked, genuinely cavalier about the question.

She just looked at him with those eyes that told him everything. He fought against the way she tugged at him and tried to keep the mood as light as it had been only moments before.

"Can't we talk later," he asks in that voice that verges on a mumble and the raspy tone he has first thing in the morning. "We have lots to catch up on."

"I'm serious, Stefan. Talk to me. I know something's not right."

He stopped trying to change the focus and looked down at his hands. What could he tell her? What would keep her worry at bay?

She took a deep breath and waited for the right words to come to her. "Stefan, I love you. And I love how you have supported me through this vampire thing. I couldn't have survived this without you."

"Elena, I promised you I would-"

"Stop, stop. Let me finish. We've spent all this time fixated on me and my well-being. Even before I-I died, it was me who was calling all the shots and...I haven't been fair to you."

Stefan's heart sank at her words. He knew she loved him but couldn't help but feel that this was about Damon.

"I'm not allright if you're not allright. And I've been so caught up trying to figure stuff out that I didn't make the space to think about you being okay too. But Stefan, my transition isn't just about me. It's about you too. And I never thought to ask you how you were dealing with all of this."

He had been so prepared to hear something else that her wanting to talk about him leaves him a bit numb, struggling to catch up with himself. "'Lena, I'm fine. My priority is you. If you're okay, I'm okay."

She moves her hair behind her ears and looks down as she clasps her hands on her lap. "That's not what Caroline said."

"Caroline talked to you"? He looked worried and a little anxious.

She's mildly annoyed that he confided in Caroline first but that was jealousy. Unfounded, irrational jealousy. "She didn't break your confidence. She just reminded me that there are two of us in this relationship and that both of those people were solely worried about me."

"That's-that's not fair."

"No. But It's true Stefan. She's right. And that stops now." Elena looks up at him again. "I am worried about you because you have been withholding from me. What happened to us sharing what was going on with us no matter how hard or ugly it was"?

"Look, we just got back together after I...destroyed us. I'm just gaining your trust back. I don't need to bother you with-"

"Stefan, I forgave you. And I trust you. *I trust you.* You gotta tell me what's going on. I won't break."

Now it's Stefan's turn to look away from her.

She looks at him sincerely and with emotions in her eyes. "I'm sorry."

He looks confused. Of all the things he imagined her telling him, an apology was the least of his ideas.

"For what"?

"I don't think you realize how proud I am of you. You came back to yourself and decided to keep fighting. I...Stefan...I never expected flawless perfection. I love you because you are so broken and because you fight against every natural instinct in your body to be you and it hurts me that you believe I would stop loving you. You saved my life! You brought me back to life twice. You let me feel however I want to feel. You love me best of all. How could I stop loving you? So I'm sorry for not making you believe it. More than ever I understand the conflict you fight every day between the part of you that wants what it wants and the other part that cares about people and that wants to be good. But honey, I want to do all of this with you. I want..." her voice catches as she talks and forces herself to stay in the chair.

"I want you to trust that I won't let you go. Cause I won't. Not ever. Not ever."

He nodded as tears fell from his eyes. "I don't—I don't deserve you. And I'm scared I'm too broken for you to stay with me. I don't wanna hold you back."

"Stop it! I'm not a prize. I'm not here because of what you do or don't deserve. I'm here because there's nowhere else in this whole world I'd rather be than with you. I'm here because you make me feel normal. You make me feel loved and beautiful and trusted and supported and smart. But Stefan, I think you're beautiful and trusted and suppported and smart too. Don't shut me out. You've always treated me as an equal. Don't stop now."

In the last 6 hours, neither Elena nor Stefan have been this far away from each other for this extended an amount of time. After 7 months apart, it was damn near impossible for one of them to not be near the other.

But here they were in a Mexican standoff with no clear winner. He couldn't help himself. He laughed. And then he laughed more.

Elena, uncrossed her legs that she sat on and wheeled herself to the foot of their bed to look at him closer. 'He doesn't look crazy,' she thought to herself.

"Stefan? What...what's so funny?"

"I was just thinking of all the times we were interrupted before we actually got to make love. Now that I want an interruption, there's peace in the world. Go figure."

Is it that hard to talk to me"? She asks, hurt in her voice.

"No. I just don't know what to say that will make this better."

"Start with the truth. What aren't you telling me? Stefan, tell me." She used to say that to him all the time: "Tell me." And back then he did.

She waited. He sat silent. And she waited some more. Her vampire temper had risen and she stood up from her chair and walked out the room. Stefan believed she was considering leaving the house when he heard her running back up the stairs. In her hand she had a tumblr of Scotch.

"Yours is weaker than Damon's," she answered without waiting for him to ask. "I figure you'll talk if I can get you loosened up." She pours him a glass of the brown liquid and hands it to him and then pours one for herself. Elena knew her way around a liquor cabinet but it was still taking her a while to get used to Scotch. She walked to him and raised her glass toward his. The glasses clinked and as she took the drink, she kept her eyes on Stefan. He kept his eyes on her as well. So like them to be in sync that way.

"Another"? She held out the tumblr toward him to refill his glass. Stefan begrudingly nodded.

And so it began.

Two hours later, the couple lie across their bed absolutely wasted beyond proportion. "Are you ready to talk now," Elena slurred barely able to raise her body toward him.

Ever stoic, Stefan fought to keep control and keep quiet.

"Really? I—I can't. Look I'm not gonna nag about this. That's not what we do. But if we are going to make this work-"

"Do you know how happy it makes me to see you as a vampire? Do you know how much I want to show you all of it? The good, the bad, the light, the dark. I want to experience it with you. The ripper—I-want to experience it with you. But I'm not as strong as that...other part. And you need me to be in control. You need me to help you. I want to be that person for you so much and if I let myself off the hook one minute-If I let myself enjoy being a vampire then I risk setting the Ripper free and I just can't let that happen again. He sucked the marrow out of life-"

"You."

"What"?

"You, Stefan. You sucked the marrow out of life. You are the Ripper."

"No I..."

"No, you told me about how talking to Klaus while I was in Denver brought you to a breakthrough. Do you remember that"?

"I said that I had to accept the light and the dark parts of myself so that neither could have control over me."

Elena nods. "So what changed"?

"Realizing I could have another chance with you. I am so scared I am going to mess this up. That I'm going to let you down again. I can't risk it."

"Do you know that I've been terrified to let you down? That I'm so scared you won't want me anymore if I tell you everything I'm thinking now. That listening to the sounds of heartbeats makes me excited. I don't want to not be the girl you fell in love with. I'm scared that Caroline is a better vampire than me and that I'll never figure this out as well as she has. I'm scared that I'll be like Isobel or Katherine."

At this Stefan turned her toward him so that they were lying face to face and grabs her hand. "You make me feel so much pride. Every one of us has gotten where we are differently and I know the road you're on is hard and confusing and I know it's not easy when you have me and Damon fighting over the best way to help you. Maybe that's the answer: Maybe you see what both of us offer and figure out how to make it work for you. I just know that I don't want you to suffer like I did. And I'm probably not doing this right."

Elena caresses his cheek. "You are. For every moment that I wonder if this is working and feel the other part of me wanting to break out, I think about how hard it was to convince you to feel again. I understand it now. I understand it so much more now. And I know that if I give in, it will be just as hard for me as it was for you. You are doing this right. So thank you. I love you."

The tears in his eyes shined. He neither needed nor wanted thanks from her. But he knew she needed to say it. And she needed him to accept it. And what Elena needs is what Elena gets. "You're welcome." He kisses her and leans his forehead against hers letting himself fall asleep. Letting himself try to find relief. But never letting go of her.

Elena watches him for a long while. She had long turned the lamp on the nightstand off and was grateful that her new existence allowed her to see him so clearly in the dark. As she studied him, she knew that he would do anything to help her. Anything—even at the cost of his own sanity. And she knew that she'd do anything to help him.

She'd keep fighting. For herself. And for him. They would figure this out like they always did.

That was the first sigh of relief she had in weeks.


End file.
